Our happiness depends on the quality of our thoughts. Marcus Aurelius
125 years ago, Sigmund Freud became the first practitioner of modern psychology, as we understand it today. Most of us wouldn’t know that Freud was a practicing physician before he introduced “the talk method” to help his troubled patients.
This bit of history is relevant in that Freud’s method as a healer dictated the course of action for all his future disciples. Long before medical practice initiated the concept of “preventative medicine,” doctors typically began interaction with their patients with the query, “How can I help you?” In other words, we assumed that clients and patients came to us with the hope that we could help them with their problems. And, more than a century later, I generally start a session with that very question.
Well, what’s wrong with that? Aren’t we supposed to help our clients with problems? The answer is, indeed, “Yes.” But implicit in that process is the belief that, if we help clients with their problems, they will become happy. Strangely, there is no evidence to support that hypothesis. Certainly, the removal of pain is a worthy goal. Problem- solving is good. But the removal of a negative does not automatically produce a positive. Paying one’s bills does not increase the value of the bank account. Erasing pain does not add happiness.
Ok, so what does generate happiness? The answer to that question takes us back to PIM part of the title of this newsletter. The discipline of psychology has learned that we all find happiness via three progressively satisfying avenues as follow:
PLEASURE: There’s nothing wrong with pleasure-seeking if it doesn’t rise to the level of a negative addiction. Enjoying a new car, or article of clothing, or an ice cream cone of your favorite flavor, are all sources of pleasure and temporary happiness. But eventually, the “new car smell” fades, the new suit or sweater is just something to wear to work or church, and butter pecan is no friend to my waistline. Those pleasures lose their novelty over time.
IMMERSION: Unlike seeking happiness via the pursuit of pleasure, immersing ourselves in our favorite endeavors has a more enduring quality. While we can only eat so much ice cream before we become satiated, avid golfers, recreational readers, and skillful fishermen seem to enjoy the activity throughout the experience. A golf lover enjoys the 15th hole as much as the first one, and a prolific reader enjoys every chapter of a good novel. Those individuals find happiness throughout the experience. The fisherman relishes the catch, even as he throws the trout back into the lake. Time flies for those who have burrowed into their happy pastimes.
MEANING: Living a meaningful life is correlated with the highest form of happiness. But what constitutes a “meaningful life” that makes one happy? Simply stated, it is immersing oneself in activities that benefit someone (or something) else. For example, many of us enjoy owning a pet. We receive pleasure from our little dog, perhaps. But a dog owner who immerses herself in training her pet with the goal of “Fluffy” becoming a therapy dog has found meaning in the activity. The owner loves her dog, enjoys working with its training, but finds real happiness in watching her canine generate smiles at a children’s medical ward or senior citizen residential care facility.
Homework: Today’s assignment may make some of my readers uncomfortable with the question: Are you happy? Where and how are you seeking it?
Are you so focused on your problems that you aren’t searching for “the meaningful life”? When you aren’t addressing your problems, where and how do you seek happiness? In pleasure? Or by immersingyourself in some harmless but vacuous hobby? When we choose the meaningful life, we find flow and real happiness.
Ponder this question and adjust accordingly.
Happiness has a way of sneaking in a door you didn’t know you left open.