People who love you care about how they make you feel.
In my last newsletter, we explored statistics that support the notion that it is hard to maintain a serious relationship, either via marriage or some other committed relationship. Divorce rates are high in America. Moving in with a partner, more often than not, usually leads to moving out over time. As the last newsletter suggested, we all have acquired knowledge about our partners that potentially may lead us to an improved (and, hopefully, sustained) partnership. I labelled that repository of information “our toolbox”.
In exploring the toolbox, let’s begin by determining what should NOT be in there. To catalog behaviors that are toxic to a healthy partnership, let’s turn to an expert: Dr. John Gottman. In his investigation into behaviors that appear to presage failure for couples, Gottman describes four behaviors that poison a serious relationship:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Let’s explore these briefly. First of all, I believe that there is almost no such thing as “constructive criticism.” Or, by the very least, it takes great communicative skill to be able to point out the flaws of another without doing some harm to the relationship, be it with family, friends, or one’s partner. As I’ve shared with clients over the years, we can almost always predict how somebody will take our statement before we utter it. In other words, we can ask ourselves, “If I say what I’m about to say (and how I’m about to say it) can I predict how the listener will take it? I believe that the answer is, at least 90% of the time, “Yes!” Another way of looking at such a conversation is to ask ourselves, “Do I want that reaction? Is it my goal to offend the listener?” For most of us, the answer is an emphatic “No!” And, therefore? The solution: Don’t say what you are about to say since the response is predictable and harmful in some way.
Gottman tells us that the above listed four behaviors are all toxic and damaging, but he asserts that the worst of the four is “contempt.” As he puts it, while “criticism” says, “I don’t like what you are doing,” contempt asserts “I don’t like you.” It is more universal. It is blaming, with a broad, corrosive, brush.
If criticism and contemptare aggressive behaviors, then we can see how defensiveness (excuse making) and stonewalling(shutting down) are weak and passive behaviors. At times, there may be useful information being provided with a defensive response. And, at times, ceasing an argument may be inviting a useful “cooling off” interval. But as an ongoing pattern, they both can precede the death of closeness and issue resolution.
Homework: Looking into our metaphorical mirror, which of Gottman’s four toxic behaviors best describes us when we are being our “less than awesome” self? In previous newsletters, we have observed that “Life is all about going against our tendencies.” It should be easy to recognize our worst tendency, as portrayed by Gottman’s four toxic tendencies. Changing may be difficult, but at least recognizing that toxic pattern is the beginning of an improved relationship.
To find someone who will love you for no reason and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. – Brault