If you witness bullying and do nothing, you are condoning it.
In recent years, schools have focused on the dynamics of bullying. The ubiquitous pattern of insensitive bullies preying upon hapless victims is something that we all experienced in our early years in school. No matter when or where we grew up, such harmful conduct was present, irrespective of our past cultural or socioeconomic background. Bullies and victims are biblical in origin. They are the story of Cain and Abel. And of Joseph, his colorful coat, and his malicious (and envious) siblings
Educators try to help “victims” become more assertive. Conversely, they assist bullies in coming to recognize that behaviors that generate status and power in adolescent life will not be successful in the adult world.
But today’s topic is not about schools or adolescents. Rather, let’s look at the degree to which old patterns of childish behavior may play themselves out into one’s adult life. I sometimes describe the role of a counselor as that of a “professional mirror holder.” Simply stated, we do not advise; we simply help our clients to see themselves more clearly and rationally.
Ultimately, the counselor’s job is to assist their clients in the process of self-understanding and self-improvement. To do so, the client must shift focus away from others and toward their own choices and actions. It is the essential moving from blaming others for our problems to the productive choice to change our own actions.
But let’s look at our own conduct. My readers are presumably adults, rather than kids. Our actions and choices have, hopefully, moved us away from the “mean girl” manipulations or the boorish, macho intimidations of our teen years. Adult actions are generally more subtle and perhaps even more devious. For example, imagine one woman inviting another to a party in your presence, purposely excluding you. Or picture two men discussing politics (or carpentry or a sports event) assuming that a third male is too ignorant to have a contribution or opinion on the topic. As we investigate our adult life and current situation, what do we see?
Do we see a “bully” in the cognition that we always need to have my way? Or, conversely, can I recognize my tendency to give in to the demands of the bully (ies) in my life? Do I punish my spouse, family, or friends with sarcasm or contemptuous looks when they dare to be assertive with us? Do we remain silent, lest attempts at rational communication only seem to illicit withering stares and belittling retorts?
Most of us recognize that crude, critical remarks and leers don’t work in the world, outside our homes and family sphere. And yet, strangely, we may reserve our adult bullying behaviors for those closest to us. Why is this? Why do we do it? Why do we hurt the ones we love? Honestly, I don’t know. Ultimately, perhaps it doesn’t even matter.
But let’s stop doing it anyway.
Strong people stand up for themselves. The strongest people stand up for others!