Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self. Dean Jackson

A Most Engaging Talent

As a professional counselor, I’ve spent much of my life listening. If a caricaturist at a carnival were asked to draw counselors, the artist would likely portray us as having one huge ear and a tiny mouth. And that would be OK. Most people prefer to speak rather than listen; so, counselors provide a service.

I recently shared a fishing trip with seven other men, most of whom I’d never met before. As generally happens in such situations, new acquaintances often carve out space for
themselves by telling stories of their professional or athletic accomplishments. Per usual, I did more listening than speaking. By the end of the trip, I knew that one of my new companions had hit a home run on his last at-bat in high school, 30 years ago. I’m certain that he doesn’t even know if I’ve ever coached, played, or even watched the game. And that’s OK. My wife (also a professional counselor) and I often return from social events, remarking that we learned all about our new acquaintances while they know little about us.

Given the above, I had a most unusual experience with one of my new acquaintances while waiting for the fish to bite on a slow day. I’d already learned that he held a leadership position in his current employment, was close to his wife and two adult children, and had faced some difficult times in his career when the economy soured several years ago. But my new acquaintance surprised me when he proceeded to interview me! He wanted to learn more about my career, my wife, and my family. This almost never happens.

To amplify my point, I was reminded of an interview I watched of Eddie Fisher many years ago. Most of my readers (especially if you are under 60) never heard of him. Eddie Fisher was a “B grade” singer with no memorable hits. His “claim to fame” was his ability to marry three of the most accomplished and beautiful stars of his generation: Debbie Reynolds, Connie Stevens, and Elizabeth Taylor. When asked how a man with a modest career could be so successful with such famous women, his response was both underwhelming and subtly impressive. He offered “I don’t know. I just listened to them and didn’t try to impress them.”

As I flew back from my fishing excursion, I drew an analogy between the ex-singer and my new acquaintance. Both men understood the value of listening and the favorable impact that it had on others, be they famous movie stars or humble counselors. I don’t know if my fishing partner had learned to be a good listener at some management/leadership training or had come by this engaging trait naturally. I suspect the latter.

In any case, his most impressive quality was his refusal to attempt to impress with bluster and self congratulation.

Homework (in one word): LISTEN!!!! Listening is one of the loudest forms of kindness

Do not listen with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand. The collective monologue is everyone talking and no one listening. Covey