As many of my readers know, much of my private practice involves working with negative addictions. Over the past 30 years, I’ve learned a great deal about both the physiology as well as the psychology of substance-related addictions. I have great empathy for those who suffer the consequences that drug, alcohol, and other dependencies create for my clients.
As one might expect, the holiday season, with its spate of office parties, family celebrations, and football-related gatherings, creates challenges for those struggling with issues surrounding alcohol. From spiked eggnog, to the hostess-gifted bottle of chardonnay, to kegged beer, booze is everywhere, at least so it seems. So for the man or woman attempting to avoid alcohol, this exposure to varying forms of celebratory consumption is daunting.
Over the past two days, I had occasion to work with two clients who shared their holiday experiences with sobriety and their circle of friends. Both were successful with their goal of abstinence, but also related some of the curious responses they had received from others to their teetotalling. These responses ranged from surprise to puzzlement to admiration for their efforts to stick to coffee or soda.
But I am also aware that there is an oft unspoken question that lies beneath the surface of the words of encouragement or curiosity. It is: Why can’t he (or she) just have one drink? Why must they overdo it sometimes? For the newly sober person, these questions appear written across the faces of their friends and family members, even if they remain unexpressed.
These unexpressed queries from those close to us are both understandable and a reflection of their genuine ignorance. A fairly easy metaphor to understand substance addiction can be found in the “allergy” analogy. If a friend were allergic to shell fish, for example, it would be inconsiderate to suggest meeting for lunch at a seafood restaurant. We would never point to the patrons consuming shrimp as an argument for why our companion should order the scampi special. And we would never counsel them to eat the lobster, but “just be careful.”
Sounds silly doesn’t it? Or perhaps even mean-spirited? No one would do that to our vulnerable, allergic fellow diner. But, due to ignorance of the physiological aspects of alcohol addiction, well-meaning associates say things like that about alcohol consumption all the time to those struggling with an alcohol problem. “Have one; just don’t overdo it.” To a problem drinker, that’s like saying, “Eat the shrimp; just don’t get sick or break out into a rash.”
There is much more to be said on this topic. As is true for many writers, the title for the next book often comes before the book does. Mine will be “Please Read this Book if You DON’T Have a Drinking Problem.” Its goal will be to educate the public about the topic of addiction in general and to alert them to ways to support and understand those among us who suffer from a terrible “allergy.”
So the next time you are in a social drinking situation and someone declines an alcoholic beverage, let me suggest a few appropriate responses:
“Good for you.”
OR
“I should do that. I could stand to lose a few pounds.”
OR, (even better)
“Do you think the Lions could ever win the Super Bowl?”
Your companions will almost certainly appreciate not being interrogated or lauded. Like everyone else, they just wants to fit in, even as they deal with a most challenging issue.
Be an asset or a resource to someone’s improvement; not a source of stress or embarrassment. Be a source of simple support and acceptance.
May the force be with you!
John V. Farrar Ed.D. LPC