As most of my readers know, I am a professor training future professional counselors and in private practice with a specialty in treating negative addictions. In that context, the concept of “recovery,” – overcoming one’s dependence on alcohol, drugs, gambling, or some other compulsive behavior is very relevant.
Mark Twain once waggishly, but insightfully observed, “Nothing needs changing more than other people’s habits.” Often, those of us who do not struggle with a substance problem are puzzled by why those who do persist with such a shameful, humiliating and self-destructive behavior. What’s wrong with those people? Perhaps all of us at times succumb to the smug and self-serving activity of wrenching our shoulder as we attempt to pat ourselves on the back for our superior powers of self-control and wisdom.
But hold on for a moment. Take another look into the metaphorical mirror. It may be true that we find no substance problem as we re-gaze. But if we look closely, we will see a few disquieting blemishes still in the, hopefully, healing stages. What are you “recovering” from?
For fifteen years, I ran a network of clinics and was answerable to a nine-member board of directors. They were my bosses and attending to them appropriately was central to my career and the security of my family, financially. In 15 years of monthly meetings, about 180 events, I was never late. In fact, I was always very early to insure that I was prepared and organized. And yet, in most other areas of my life, I have been a procrastinator. It was a disquieting tendency that caused difficulties for me over the years. My days as a clinical director (and those board meetings) helped me recover from my last minute inclinations, but I am still “on the road to recovery” from that tendency.
So what did I learn? Well first, I came to realize that my procrastination is a choice. If I could always be early for board meetings, why not everything else? I stopped thinking of myself as a procrastinator and started seeing myself as a person who chooses to procrastinate. There is a big difference. But it is still an ongoing tendency that I consciously try to resist.
While my readers may not be afflicted with a chemical dependency or an addictive behavior such as compulsive gambling, most of us are trying to overcome some vexing inclination. Are you shy and, therefore, have an unsatisfying social life? Do you tend to be critical of others and find that those around you may distance themselves? Do you struggle with the effects of a painful childhood and the negative impact, in whatever form, that it still has on you as an adult? Are you paralyzed by second-guessing your decision? Do you continually start an exercise program and then find yourself abandoning it? Do you find yourself shopping and bringing bags of items you don’t need or may even be a duplicate of what you already have? (Think: how many cream-colored sweaters does one person need?) Are you one of those people who try to completes a project and then re-works it over and over in an effort to get it to that illusive “perfect” format?
In short, we are all in some stage of recovery, hopefully. We all are trying to move forward, or overcome, something. Have a little empathy for the struggles of others just as we wish to receive understanding and support from others when it comes to our problematic habits.
The movie, City Slickers, stresses, “Everybody deserves a ‘do-over.'” What steps could you take to “recover” from some past disappointment to ensure a happier and more satisfying future?