The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. – Magee
When we see a friend, family member, or even a stranger who is struggling with some addiction or other negative and self-defeating behavior, what do we think? And how do we feel? The responses may vary from pity, to disdain, to puzzlement.
“Why don’t they quit drinking so much? Why do they eat so much? How can they blow half their paycheck on lottery tickets or at the casino?”
In addition to the emotions we’ve considered already, perhaps less attractive (and unwarranted) emotions creep into us. Arrogance? Complacency? Superiority? While we strain a shoulder as we pat ourselves on the back for our temperance, self-control, character, and virtue, perhaps there are other factors to consider.
In my thirty plus years in working with addictions, I have come to understand that there are three kinds of people in the world:
1. Addicts
2. Those in recovery
3. Non-addicts
Sadly, the life of an addict is a nightmare. It doesn’t matter what the nature of addiction is, substance related or behavioral. Alcohol, opiates, marijuana, or ice cream, pizza, or Mickey D French fries. Or perhaps it’s shopping, lottery tickets, the casino, or porn. It is all the same when it comes to addiction. Aside from the addiction itself, lives become a mass of deception, denial, and minimizing. Secrets are guarded and prevarications must be kept well arranged and committed to memory. Lying becomes an addiction of its own. The negative conduct becomes chronic, progressive, and escalating. Deterioration occurs morally, financially, physically and ethically.
So as destructive as addiction in all forms becomes, recovery is correspondingly impressive and admirable. Reversing one’s life direction and pattern is not easy. And that is why many of my favorite people are those in recovery from some addiction: some pattern of compulsive conduct and destructive inclination.
Okay. I’ve discussed those suffering from addiction (#1) and those in recovery (#2). What about #3, those labeled as non-addicts? The message for those of us who have never been burdened by a given substance or behavioral addiction is one of humility. The group #3’s of the world are simply lucky to NOT be plagued by a given addiction. Why do I describe them as lucky? The fact is most of the reason for “non-addiction” is probably genetic rather than elective. For example, Vicodin is a source of addiction for many. They find it pleasurable. Yet many others report feeling nauseous when it is prescribed to them for pain management. So who is a potential addict? Those who love it or those who feel like throwing up when they take it? And should those of us who become nauseated by Vicodin congratulate ourselves for not getting hooked on it?
While I suggested at the beginning of this newsletter that there are three kinds of people (addicts, those in recovery, and non-addicts) it is probably more accurate to say that all of us are addicted to some behavior or substance (#1’s) but also are #2’s in other areas. Dick may admit a weakness for sweets, but looks down on those who gamble. Jill has been on Xanax for two years for her anxiety, but berates colleagues for chronically procrastinating. We hope for compassion from others as we struggle with our negative behavior, yet still feel superior to others when we behave more rationally than a family member or friend concerning some other area.
Today’s “homework” should be crystallizing as we move forward. Consider your personal “addiction,” be it as serious as alcohol or as invisible as a tendency to procrastinate. Acknowledge your own struggle with some behavior while exhibiting some degree of empathy for the struggles of others over a problem that, because of a genetic role of the dice, does not plague us.
In the end, it appears each of us is “three kinds of people” rolled into one.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by ay man, but coaxed downstairs one step at a time. – Mark Twain