When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.”
The Past is Vast: Part I
While watching something on TV the other day, the idea for this week’s newsletter, as reflected in today’s title, jumped out at me. Like an expansive ocean, perhaps, any discussion of what is in our past is impossibly expansive. On a vacation, I once chatted with a new acquaintance, pointing out that I grew up in Chicago. The gentleman asked me if I knew his Uncle Wally. Yes, like an ocean or Chicago, the past is indeed enormous. For our purposes today, let’s look at how the enormous size of our past intersects with the concept of choice.
The developer of the counseling theory of Transactional Analysis, Dr. Eric Berne, introduced the concept of “scripting.” Berne suggests that an integral part of human development involves the incorporation of messages from significant individuals in our early life into our personality. He calls this process “scripting.” For example, we know that it is normal for a healthy toddler to be reticent of strangers. This shyness demonstrates that a child has bonded with his/her primary caregiver. If a parent typically observes, “Little Susie is our bashful one,” Berne would suggest that those messages may begin to take hold, and Susie assumes a quiet, shy demeanor, long after her stage of reticence has developmentally passed.
That’s a pretty benign example. Let’s consider a few more powerful “self -image shapers.”
“You’re smart but lazy.” (Many of us heard that as a child. What part took hold in your personality? The “smart” part? The “lazy” part? Both?)
“You’re are such a procrastinator.” (Ask any group of individuals if they see themselves as procrastinators. Half the hands will go up. Is that genetic? Is there a choice on starting a given project early vs. late?)
“Wealthy people got there by cheating.” OR “Wealthy people got there through hard work and intelligence.” (Certainly there is a degree of truth to be found in either statement, depending upon whom we are discussing, but which comment resonates more with you? Why? Where does that leaning come from?) Today’s newsletter is the first of three on the topic of the past. Our discussion today dealt with significant, life-shaping, messages from our past. As children, we lacked the ability to process or interpret those script messages. As adults, we possess the ability to accept, reject, or modify those messages in accordance with our chosen values and beliefs.
Yes, the past is vast. But we get to cull from that past what is lovable, enjoyable and, perhaps, even inspirational. In other words, we can edit our scripts to become our more positive, successful and best selves.
“The past is a place of reference; not a place of residence.” -Anonymous