If you carry the bricks from past relationships, you’ll end up building the same house.”
Some years ago, I worked with a man who presented issues related to his marriage and substance involvement. In the course of his treatment, the topics moved to his family of origin. More specifically, he spoke of his deceased father’s past struggles with alcohol and marital problems. As the man described his childhood, I suggested an image evoked by his family history and his own conduct. I portrayed my client as feeling like a puppet being controlled by the strings manipulated by his dead puppeteer father. My client vividly modified my metaphor with the correction: “They aren’t strings; they are ropes.”
What a powerful image provided by an intelligent and insightful client. Understanding my client’s self-perception, our subsequent treatment plan involved “severing the legacy tentacles” from his charismatic, but flawed, patriarch.
Over the years, I have benefitted from the wisdom of my wife, life partner, and professional colleague. She adds to the concept expressed by the above client with a metaphor of her own: “We all drag around our own bag of rocks.” In Anita’s case, her image brings with it an expectation that we simply live with our history rather than complain about it or be defeated by it. Both metaphors, be they ropes or rocks, acknowledge that family history does have an impact.
But, in what direction? The children of privilege, and even from sound family influence, still may suffer from the indolence and lack of motivation that prosperity and stability may bring. Conversely, those who manage to muster the energy to overcome a troubled background, move forward in generating a successful career and a nurturing family life.
Our family history will never disappear, whether that history was positive or negative. The “snowman” informs us that we are the product of our thoughts.
Is our bag full of “debilitating rocks” or “instructive pebbles” from which we can learn? Are we controlled by “strangling ropes” or “threads of experience” that remind us of healthier life directions?
Homework: Irrespective of our personal history, there is much to learn from it. See yours as a resource from which you can grow and benefit.
A lot of people go through life like they are rowing a boat. They look at where they have been (the PAST) rather than where they are going (the FUTURE).