In considering the concepts laid out in the 10th step of AA, a somewhat contradictory notion occurred to me. While the step invites us to re-visit our inventory, the step also asks us to admit to wrongdoing. The step narrates:
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
On the surface, this step seems very straightforward. See an error and acknowledge it. What could be simpler? Well, like most things that seem easy, there is usually a catch; a trap. The pothole in the road to personal responsibility and healing is the fact that no one likes to see themselves as at fault.
One of the best ways to win over another person in your life (a co-worker, friend, or spouse) is to utter the most soothing of all phrases:
“It’s not your fault.”
Who doesn’t love to hear those words? They provide a universal excuse for anything and everything. We all appreciate hearing them, even when we know that they are not exactly accurate or truthful. The cherry on top of the “no fault sundae” generally takes the form of blaming someone else for one’s personal failure or error. We have been taken off the hook once we hear the redemptive “It’s not your fault.”
In our book, Dump the Neanderthal and Choose your Prime Mate, I allude to my metaphor of the belly button. When I students or clients to tell me all they know about bellybuttons, they generally get to the fact that there are two kinds: innies and outies. In my years of clinical practice and teaching, I have come to the conclusion that people are like bellybuttons; they are either INnies or OUTies. Simply put, OUTies are blamers. They look outside themselves for the cause of their failures. They point fingers when they should be looking into mirrors. Conversely, INnies look inside for the reasons for either success or failure. INnies may be prone to guilt and remorse, but they are closer to growth and responsibility than the OUTie.
So, “It’s not my fault” is the weak anthem of the OUTie. I instruct my students who are future counselors to train their ear to identify a given client as an INnie or an OUTie. Our job is to help clients to develop a sense of responsibility and personal direction. In short, strive to become an INnie. Once a clients choose to be INnies, they are no longer victims; rather they become empowered to make different choices..
Homework: The next time someone tells you, “It’s not your fault.” smile and nod. But then look inside to determine the reality of the situation. If you are not one already, it’s time to turn yourself into an innie.