Think back to when you were a child. It was a day when you had done something wrong at home. Maybe you threw a ball that broke a serving dish or a lamp or left an uncovered magic marker to bleed a permanent green stain on the white velvet love-seat. In fear and shame (because you’d been told not to do that), you hid the broken pieces or covered the stain with a throw pillow. For a long time, no one noticed the piece of crockery was missing or discovered the stain. Everyday, you worried that your mother would ask about the dish , lamp or stain, but you didn’t know what to do. You were afraid to admit that you did it. But like a nagging toothache, it plagued you on a daily basis.
Ultimately, your mom discovered the stain or noticed the dish or lamp was gone. She knew instantly that you were responsible by your reaction to her question about it. You tearfully admitted that you were the guilty one. Depending upon what your mother was like, you were either scolded, grounded or consoled. No matter. This was your first experience with guilt and reclamation.
The irony of the above situation was that the thing you feared the most, discovery, was your path out of the misery you were experiencing as a child. You felt relieved once your shameful secret was out. Only then were you fully able to enjoy your favorite show on TV, recess at school, or playing a board game with the family. You didn’t have to dread someone asking about the plate, lamp or stain as you were putting up a hotel on your Boardwalk property.
The fifth step of AA : Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
In the fifth step, the purging benefit of confession, of admitting a wrong, is advocated. Looking back on our childhood trauma, we realize that simply admitting our mistake with the statue or dish would have quickly resolved the situation. We would have taken our punishment and moved on, probably within hours. Instead, our guilt and embarrassment lingered. Sadly, if we did not learn our lesson as children, we have probably repeated the error as adults.
So aside from looking into our metaphorical mirror and acknowledging our mistakes to ourselves, who else should we catalog our errors to? AA members probably turn to their sponsor for that service. Those in a committed relationship may be able to purge their conscience with their mate. One’s counselor can serve as an audience for the contrition. Some may turn to their priest, minister, or rabbi for that cleansing experience. But, whoever the listener may be, the benefit comes from the act of admitting past wrongs and moving forward with the commitment to do better in the future.
In past newsletters, we have discussed the value of honesty and its ability to rescue us from past emotional burdens. Today’s homework is obvious: choose who and how to lighten your guilty load with a simple act of sharing. Somehow, just telling someone else of your past shortcomings doesn’t seem as though it would help. Oh, but it does.