Relationships don’t last because of good times. They last because the hard times were handled with love and care. – Anna Andore
A staple of any therapist’s practice revolves around relationship counseling. Marital partners or couples living together in “committed relationships” routinely pose the following question as they struggle with their shared lives: “I love my mate and yet we fight a lot. I don’t have trouble getting along with the people at work. I’ve golfed with the same guys/gals for years with nary a cross word. I don’t love my co-workers or golf partners like I love my husband/wife. How can I get along with acquaintances when I can’t seem to avoid conflicts with my partner?
This seeming dilemma may be elucidated by a simple situation to imagine. Suppose that you lived on the East Side of Manhattan in a posh apartment building. You’ve resided there for 30 years and throughout that time, you have been greeted by “Joe the Doorman” on a daily basis. Joe welcomes you as he opens the door, and you reciprocate with a smile and a remark about the weather or the Yankees. You’ve had hundreds of contacts with Joe each year, many thousands over the 30 years, and never a word of criticism, complaint, or disharmony. Once again, why can we get along with Joe the Doorman and not our most important and most loved person in our life?
I believe that there are two explanations for this situation. The first one lies in this author’s operative metaphor: The Snowman. As my readers know, the image of the Snowman is a simple depiction of the concept that all our behaviors flow from the ideas we hold. Unsatisfactory actions always come from false beliefs. (See the opening of the website “snowmantherapy.com” for a more complete explanation of the “snowman” conceptualization.) Applying this principle to today’s relationship problem and “Joe the Doorman” we can see that our frustration flows from this false belief:
The most important relationship in my life should be the easiest and the smoothest. Since I love my partner more than anyone else I should get along with him/her the best.
If the above is our operative belief about our key relationship, what will flow from it on a behavioral level? It most likely results in frustration and befuddlement. And perhaps this related fear: “Maybe this isn’t the woman (or man) for me.” We can only imagine the next missteps that can flow from that pattern of thinking.
Let’s go back to Joe the doorman and our 30 years of pleasant discourse with him. What is the key to our successful relationship with Joe? Our relationship with Joe is simple. We don’t live with Joe. We don’t share finances, child rearing, sex, or political disagreements with Joe. Of course, it is easy to get along with Joe. Conversely, there are myriad, important topics that come in waves during our partnership years. There are numerous opportunities for areas of disagreement and needed debate and compromise with our loved one. And that is OK!
The other explanation for relationship challenge has been suggested already and it is ironically this:
Enduring relationships are hard.
Wow! That doesn’t sound like fun! Well, it may not always be fun, but it holds the greatest potential for true-life satisfaction. There is a great reference to be found in a most unlikely of sources, a movie about girls’ baseball during WW II. The film was “A League of Their Own.” At a key point in the movie, the league’s best player, Dotty, is about to quit. She misses her home and her husband, and the pressures of her life are getting the best of her. She tells her manager, “Playing has gotten to be too hard. I can’t do it.” The manager responded, “If it were easy, everybody would do it.”
Let’s apply the line about baseball to marriage and intimate relationships. It is fair to say that everything we are most proud of in our lives came only through effort and diligence: Earning a college degree; Achieving a promotion at work after years of service; Raising a decent and honest human being into adulthood. All share the central characteristic of great difficulty expended over a significant amount of time. And so it is with our most important, most valued and, at times, most difficult and demanding relationship with our partner.
Accept that it is hard and worthwhile simultaneously Allow yourself some sense of pride as you work toward accomplishing the goal of a functional relationship. Our mate is most definitely NOT Joe the Doorman. And that’s good.
If you are going through tough times, keep holding on – even if it is by one hand or the tip or your finger. Nothing lasts forever, including your pain and struggle.
-London M