IF
Over one hundred years ago (1895) the British Nobel Laureate, Rudyard Kipling, wrote the famous poem, “If.” While the subject matter is told from the point of view of a father giving instructions to his son on how a man functions, it always struck me that at least one of the verses has applications to life that transcend gender or stage in life. The specific stanza that stuck with me over the years is:
“If all men count for you, but none too much…”
Kipling’s line has, I believe, great applications for all of us. It speaks to the concept of moderation, of balance, of distance. It suggests that, while valuing others is an important human characteristic, it is also possible to get too close at times or, conversely, perhaps too distant.
The “distance” we establish from individuals varies, of course, according to who the other party is. We are closer to our family than co-workers. Our friends are held in greater importance than acquaintances at church or from a golf or bowling league. (Notice how we describe our most valued friends as being “our closest friends”) Our emotional proximity to the people in our lives defines their relative importance to us.
But how is it possible to be too close to our family members? How can a parent be too close to a child; for a wife to be too close to her husband? Such unhealthy connection falls under the label of “enabling behavior.” A parent, wanting their child to be successful in school, may succumb to literally doing his/her son’s or daughter’s homework rather than simply helping with it. A wife may lie to an employer about her husband’s “illness” when he is hung over, lest he lose his job. However understandable such well-intended interventions may be, the enabler, deep down, knows that such behavior does not solve anything. Enabling generates a short-term solution while exacerbating a long-term problem.
Not all “getting too close” behavior is a form of enabling, however. At times, we may allow our own neediness or low sense of self to make the opinions of others too important to us. We may curry the favor of others whom we see as more important than us in an attempt to assuage our own feelings of inadequacy. We see this behavior among children as the leader of a group is fawned over by his circle in an attempt to gain his approval. Bullies instinctively seem to understand this principle and play upon it. Strangely, we often witness the same pattern among adults; even seniors.
Homework: Think of the most important individuals in your life, such as your family perhaps. They are your inner circle. Do you treat them as such in an appropriate, non enabling way? Consider the next circle, perhaps made up of friends. Is their “distance” from you appropriate, particularly in relation to your inner circle? Why is that? Examine your more distant circle, perhaps made up of acquaintances or even people you don’t even know (such as a favorite sports team or celebrity).
Is acquiring an autograph from a famous athlete or movie star more significant to you than watching a child or grandchild’s sporting event? Are you ever guilty of using a tone of voice with a member of your inner circle that you would never use with a neighbor or acquaintance (or a stranger)? Essentially, the challenge for all of us is to match our behavior with our expressed value system. If we assert that our spouse or children or parents are the most important people in our lives, our inner circle, do we act like it, both in deeds and emotions? The term that defines that idea is “congruent.” It simply means matching our values with our behavior.
To borrow from Kipling, that is the BIG IF that will enrich our lives.