I’m a movie and trivia fan. My brain seems to be a repository of useless information. One of those more arcane morsels of unimportant facts is that Marlon Brando, the very prolific and talented actor, directed only one movie in his long career: One Eyed Jacks. It was a western starring Brando and the character actor, Karl Malden.
The two main characters are bandits. The film begins with the two being cornered by a posse after their unsuccessful escape from a bank robbery. Chased relentlessly by the authorities, they are down to one horse. Malden promises to use the lone horse to ride to get help and more horses while Brando holds off the posse. Instead of returning to aide his confederate, Malden never returns. Brando is ultimately captured and serves several years in prison.
Flash forward. Malden has given up crime and become a small town sheriff. Brando reappears in the town and connects with his old partner in crime. But Brando does not share with Malden that he has languished in prison because of his former colleague’s faithlessness. Instead, he tells him that he also escaped to avoid hard feelings.
However, Brando is bent on revenge. To hurt and embarrass his old partner, he seduces his daughter –in-law. Feeling guilty later for his deceptive seduction, he taunts her by saying, “I shamed you.” Although hurt, disappointed and saddened by Brando’s admission, the young woman assertively corrects his confession by stating, “You didn’t shame me. You shamed yourself. I was honest and sincere in my feelings for you.”
God only knows why this scene from an obscure film stuck with me all these years, but I’ve used it as an introduction to this newsletter’s central point. Too often, good people express embarrassment and shame over negative events that are not of their making. When others let us down or betray us, it is inevitable that we are pained or saddened.
But there is a significant difference between disappointment and embarrassment or shame. It is typical for good people to assume more responsibility than they should, just as those of poor character typically are prone to blaming or excuse-making. Virtuous individuals suffer more than is merited while those lacking in conscience seem to blithely
leave others suffering in their wake.
So today’s message is aimed at men and women of good character to examine how they react and respond to negative occurrences. In a previous newsletter (Innie vs. Outies available at snowmantherapy.com blog tab) I discussed the metaphor of belly buttons, explaining that there are “innies” and “outies.” Human “innies” are responsible persons who look inside to account for their circumstances. While this is a better personal tendency than the “outies’’’ inclination to simply look outside themselves to place blame on others, sometimes “innies” literally torture themselves with feelings of shame and guilt.
The solution? If an innie makes a mistake, skip the guilt and make amends. If an innie is a victim of the misdeeds of another, resist the tendency toward embarrassment and shame. Place the blame and responsibility where it belongs, just as Brando’s girlfriend did.
And, if you are an outie, begin your redemption by looking into our metaphorical mirror and turn yourself into an “innie.” Look back at the litter of hurt, betrayal and disappointment you left behind. Be mindful of how your behavior affects others and adjust accordingly.
Innies probably need to acknowledge disappointment while rejecting or disavowing feelings of shame; outies need to do the opposite.
Recognize that thoughts are like appetites. What is your favorite dish? Shame? Embarrassment? Are you comfortable with your current emotional “diet?” If not, start thinking healthier and focus on more nutritious fare.