Being in love means “never having to say you’re sorry”? Really? No, it means having to make amends, restitution: actually investing energy, thought and action in making things right once again.
Over the course of a lifetime, all of us have occasion to address negative conduct in some way. Today’s newsletter addresses the ninth step of AA, as shown below:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
To the casual observer, the concept of making amends may seem synonymous with offering apologies, expressing regrets or showing remorse. Actually, the message of the ninth step, I believe, has a more specific and complete focus than those rather hollow sentiments. There are many statements made, common terms used far too casually and frequently, that are actually poor excuses for real amends.
They are a veritable glossary of weak and inadequate phrases. They include: “I’m sorry.” and” I didn’t mean what I said.” and my personal negative favorite, “Just kidding!” Even worse, there are times when the offended party is actually criticized rather than in receipt of an amends, with the remark, “You’re too sensitive.” Whether these lame offerings are extended sincerely or vacuously, they share the central quality of being insufficient to address the wrong. For example, does a simple “I’m sorry” balance the damage done from a humiliating prank or a tactless remark? Hardly.
So what exactly are amends? In my view, all legitimate corrective conduct involves deeds rather than words. Ceasing to make cruel remarks means more than disowning responsibility with “I didn’t mean it.” Real amends probably takes some time, planning, and commitment to achieve a degree of balance and healing for those who have been harmed. The added admonition of the step “unless to do so would be harmful to others” calls for discretion and timing as well. In short, amends are solid, full-bodied efforts to right past wrongs. They mean far more than the simple and self-serving words of apology without change.
Homework: Since most of us, regrettably, may have a significant list of those whom we may owe amends, let’s start small. Deal with the first person who occurred to you as you considered making amends. Develop a plan for healing with that individual. Take your time. Be thorough. Let your plan sit for a while; review it for completeness and appropriateness. Finally, put it into action.
Let me know how it goes. I’ll share your success (anonymously, of course) with others who may benefit from your imagination and creativity in healing strategies.
Let’s avoid acting out T.S. Elliot’s depiction of “Hollow Men” where we tend to be
…shape without form, shadow without color
Step 9 advises taking effective action – not succumbing to voicing meaningless platitudes when making amends. Why not reverse Elliot’s prediction for mankind and try to – “Go out with a bang- not a whimper.”