Every terrorist regime in the world uses isolation to break people’s spirits.
Bell Hooks
Think back to what I often refer to as “the low point in human existence” – middle school or junior high. Few of us have fond memories of that stage in our growth and development because it is a time of uncertainty and emotional angst, mostly involving a desperate attempt to fit in, to gain a sense of belonging. Maybe it involved making the basketball team or cheerleading squad. Perhaps it was the desire to be elected to the Student Council or invited to the “cool kids’” party on the weekend. Whatever the goal, it involved belonging in some way. We ache with the longing to be accepted.
Abraham Maslow, the developmental psychologist, tells us that once our survival needs are met (food, clothing, shelter, and overall safety), our most basic desire is to belong to someone or something. This need is so strong that it actually precedes our desire for personal status and achievement. Simply put, Maslow tells us that belonging is more basic than succeeding or excelling. We must make the team before we get to be the quarterback or the soloist in the choir.
This principle has both specific and generalized applications. In my specialty as an addictions practitioner, I find that clients seeking to heal from a past history of addictions often struggle because of the need to fit in. Virtually all clients, once reaching some level of realization that their addiction of choice (alcohol, other drugs, gambling, etc.) is creating problems for them, nevertheless, never turn to abstinence as their initial remedy. The problem drinker needs to “get a handle on my drinking.” The pill user needs a lower dose or, incredibly, a different drug! And so on. Moderation, rather than abstinence, is typically the first strategy.
And why? I believe it is because we all want to belong, to fit in. Those in early recovery (abstinence) from alcohol dread the first wedding or social event they must attend. To them, it feels as though everyone is looking at them not holding a drink and wondering why. This perhaps understandably paranoid reaction may flow from the need to fit in; to belong to the group of party attenders or wedding party members. If this seems odd to my readers, imagine this: Men: you arrive at a business meeting wearing a sport coat and open collared shirt. Every other man there is in a business suit and tie. Women: You arrive at a casual social event wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and every other woman is dressed in elegant casual attire. Most of us, men or women, feel some degree of discomfort in these scenarios.
Moving away from my example of addictions and those in recovery, consider the application of Maslow’s principle of belonging to broader settings and populations. How does it feel to not be invited to a social event by friends? (Today’s popular term is FOMO – Fear of Missing Out.) Perhaps you would just as soon not attend the function, but we feel a little twinge of hurt (or envy, or resentment) when learning we are excluded, nevertheless.
Homework: Examine how the desire to “belong to the club” has led us to hurt feelings or inappropriate action at times. How would our metaphorical “snowman” address this situation with greater insight and cognitive application?
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. Brene Brown