You have no choices about how you lose, but you do have a choice about how you come back and prepare to win again.
Pat Riley
Only Three Choices for Every Conflict
Imagine that you and your partner, friend, or co-worker are in the midst of some argument or issue of some kind. How might such a situation be resolved? It’s just an issue that we all experience daily. Such conflicts, either minor or life changing, are ubiquitous. But how do they get resolved and how can we improve on the outcomes?
Let’s create a hypothetical situation that involves such a conflict or disagreement. I’ll come up with a simple example: where to go on vacation.
Imagine that you wish to go to Las Vegas while your partner wants to vacation at the shore. Every night, when the subject of vacation comes up, you continue to speak to the fun, excitement and thrills of Vegas while your mate advocates the beauty, tranquility and comfort of the ocean. This potentially enjoyable annual event has morphed into a source of conflict and frustration for both of you.
How might this be resolved?
By definition, there are only four possible outcomes to any conflict, be it as trivial as the above example or as serious as marital strife or misery with a difficult boss or co-worker. The four options are listed below:
1. I can change my position or behavior in some way (in the example above, I can stop insisting on a Vegas vacation)
2. The other person could change in some way. (He/she could stop insisting on a beachfront vacation)
3. The conflict could continue. (Neither person gives in or changes).
4. The conflict leads to termination. (no vacation or the end of the relationship)
When I teach this concept in trainings or a class, someone usually suggests that there is a fifth option – compromise. Obviously, in the real world, compromise exists. But I don’t list it as a fifth option because of the nature of compromise. When compromise occurs, how does it happen? Do both parties, simultaneously, suggest a different course of action? I don’t think so. In practice, compromise evolves from either option #1 or option #2 – I propose something different (I’m willing to forsake the Vegas trip.) or my partner changes (moves off the beach idea). Compromise flows from someone softening his/her position in some way. Notice: Changing one’s position does not necessarily involve acceding to the other person’s position. (There are other vacation possibilities than swimming/sunning or gambling).
In my many years as a clinician, clients come for help with a range of personal problems involving others: their boss, their kids, their spouse. Whether those persons fully realize it or not, what each hopes will occur in counseling is to learn how to make someone else change – #2 option. “How can I get my boss to stop being a jerk? How can I make my kids listen to me and behave differently? How can I get my partner to appreciate the wisdom of a Vegas vacation? Essentially, what every client seeks is the #2 option – the other person changing.
At that point in the session, I share with them that there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that no one, their counselor, friend, or pastor can teach them how to make #2 happen – how to make someone else be different. I certainly don’t have it, and I don’t believe anyone does.
The good news is that we always have options. Options #1, #3, and #4 are always available. Problem-solving, with a counselor or on your own, always involves considering those three options. Sadly, there is no real fifth option. We are left with changing our approach or strategy in some way (option #1), continuing with the status quo (option #3) or terminating the issue or relationship (option #4). Most clients end up choosing option #1 and seek new ways to get along with their cranky boss or obstinate children.
But most importantly, progress involves giving up on the option that none of us can make happen – option #2. When we cease “#2 thinking” we begin the process of moving forward; we are no longer stuck in the paralyzing situation of waiting for a change we cannot make happen.
Homework: What life situation do you find yourself in that frustrates you? If you dislike your boss, have you explored ways to get on his good side? (option #1). If you love your job and/or are well paid, try focusing on the job’s good features rather than the boss (option #3.) If the job is still too frustrating, have you sharpened your resume and looked to other career opportunities? (option #4.)
By learning to think this way, whatever option we choose, we begin to feel empowered rather than trapped in “#2 thinking.”
We always have choices, and you are the expert in picking the best of the three available avenues for conflict resolution.
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
? J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets