Imagine that you are attending the viewing of a recently deceased friend. The deceased had been married for over 35 years to his surviving wife. As you enter the viewing room, you notice that the widow of your departed friend is in the back area of the funeral parlor huddled with several of the men in attendance. As you attempt to maneuver toward the casket, you can overhear your friend’s wife narrating an off color joke to her audience. What would you think?
Before I proceed to the crux of this newsletter, let me acknowledge the fact that all of us grieve in a different manner. Often, a survivor’s even temperament after a loss need not reflect a lack of caring or emotion after their partner’s passing. But for purposes of illustration, let’s assume that you have accurately deduced that the aforementioned widow’s reaction was neither a caring nor a grieving one. Once again, what would you think?
Most of us would probably be surprised by the widow’s jocular demeanor. And we might likely wonder about the quality of the couple’s marital relationship if our friend’s wife were able to rebound so quickly from his death. Many of us might think less of such a widow. But I suspect that such a spousal response is rare; most marital survivors manifest their pain and sadness quite visibly in such situations. Given that far more common response of hurt and anguish, we are often confronted with the opposite dilemma: how do we assist a surviving spouse or partner?
Before I proceed with that discussion, however, let me insert a caveat of sorts. The polar opposite of the wisecracking widow in the back of the parlor is the survivor experiencing genuine pain and loss. Her sadness is sincere and is also in accordance with her own value system: a loving widow should be experiencing the agony of loss. But where is the end point of that grief? When does one cease to mourn and move on? I believe that, in the minds of many sincere survivors, this poses a difficult challenge and demands a cognitive shift. Is “moving on” for such individuals a sign of lessened sincerity? I do not believe that such is the case. An expectation that a widow, in particular, should wear black forever is unreasonable. And I would imagine that the decedent would not want his/her former mate to live under such a cloud. Indeed, returning to the meaningful activities of life (perhaps including another meaningful relationship) should be seen as a validation of the quality of the former union.
Now, back to the question of assisting survivors of loss. Part of the answer may be found by considering my earlier example of the seemingly uncaring widow. If an apparent lack of feeling by the survivor seems to suggest an absence of depth and quality to the terminated union, it seems reasonable to conclude that a painful reaction demonstrates that a serious loss has occurred. Truly, the survivor will always miss her loved one while her insensitive or emotional shallow or egocentric peer may simply be moving on. Ironically, it could be said that the deeper the pain, the higher the quality of the lost relationship.
This principle need not apply solely to a marital or partner relationship. For example, our children were truly blessed with a pair of outstanding grandparents. My in-laws deserve my unending appreciation for their role in shaping the lives of our daughter and son. They were advisors, supporters, and sounding boards for both Christina and John without ever intruding on our authority or role as parents. It has only been within the past few years that we can talk about their grandfather without the tears flowing, even though he passed away over 20 years ago. Such was the quality of Fred’s relationship with his grandchildren. Our children would not be who they are today without his influence.
So how do we assist a dear friend or relative who may be wrestling with painful loss? Perhaps by helping them see that their anguish flows from the quality of the lost relationship. Just as the joke-cracking widow in the funeral home may be revealing a lack of caring about her lost husband, the devastated survivors should reflect upon the quality and benefit they derived from the concluded relationship. I believe that it is possible to mourn a loss while simultaneously feeling gratified with what we have gained from our lost friend, parent, spouse, or grandparent.
Seeking to avoid using the cliché of the “glass being half full or half empty,” I sometimes resort to a little poem I learned years ago. It goes like this:
Friend, whatever be your path in life
Or whatever be your goal,
Keep your eye upon the donut
And not upon the hole.
This may be a little simplistic or corny, but makes a point, nevertheless. Poor relationships offer more hole than nutritive donut (cholesterol notwithstanding). Loving relationships offer far more “donut” but the hole still exists in the form of grief and loss. At a time of attempting support for another, or as we contemplate a personal loss ourselves, it is advisable to be reminded of the “delicious” part of the former relationship while not attempting to deny the loss is real.
In doing so, we cope better with the loss as we reflect on what we had gained over the years. And we get to choose which part of the donut we will gaze upon.