“…but names will never hurt me!”
So Not True!
There probably has never been a LESS accurate childhood bromide than, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names (words?) will never hurt me.” Physiologically that’s accurate, I suppose, but psychologically, it’s totally erroneous. Words and names do hurt.
One of the standard principles of effective communication is that the speaker is largely responsible for how the message is perceived. This concept is discussed in the Chapter 4 of Dump the Neanderthal; Choose your Prime Mate. It states that we cannot hide behind the lame excuse, “I didn’t mean to hurt her (or his) feelings.” The speaker is obligated to be mindful of word choice as well as the overall message s/he conveys.
So, who is greatly influenced by your words? Certainly, we should understand how we help shape our children by the messages that we send to them throughout their lives. But this principle applies to all aspects of our lives. Let’s consider a very simple example. Imagine that there is a new employee where you work. You’ve been there for a comparatively longer time, and your new colleague understands your experience within the company, store, or school. Because of some history you have with the boss, you utter a disparaging remark about that supervisor to your new co-worker. You might even consider it to be a casual remark. What might the effect of this seemingly off-handed comment be? You may have diminished the boss in the mind of your new fellow employee. Your remark may interfere with the new worker’s ability to learn from the supervisor. You have contributed to an overall negative atmosphere within your workplace. And you have made it more difficult, perhaps, for your impressionable workmate to find her place within your setting.
Remember the last time you attended a social event and several people approached you complimenting your choice of outfit for the evening? Let’s say six of the people in your social circle complimented you while the seventh (the one prone to sarcasm or sardonic remarks) says, “Wow! That fuchsia jacket is so bright, it must glow in the dark!” Which one tends to dwell in the back of your mind? The six or the seventh? Sadly, for most of us, the negative tends to retain our focus rather than the positive. And what was the purpose of the remark, anyway? Is s/he seeking to be a professional fashion consultant? More likely, s/he is simply seeking to generate a chuckle from the group at your expense. And remember. It’s dirty pool to hide behind, “Just kidding.” If the remark diminishes a person in any way, it’s better left unsaid.
Wow! You are making a mountain out of a molehill, Dr. J! Well, I would humbly submit to my readers that mountains are indeed simply collections of molehills. A negative sense of self, or a toxic work environment, or a deteriorating personal relationship is created “one remark at a time.”
We are truly very important and powerful people and affect those with whom we live, socialize, work or even casually encounter. You do not need a degree or a credential to be a positive (or negative) influence on someone. Choose your words wisely, caringly and carefully. Recognize the power and influence you have on others.
Be a builder of health, strength and success. You know the opposite.
Easy homework assignment: Build someone up today. Be sincere. No mindless “happy talk” and vapid “feel good” remarks. Find something truthful and sincere about someone else and share it. Do it five times.
More difficult homework assignment: Bite your tongue five times. Avoid the cutting, sarcastic, or critical remark. If there is blood in your mouth before 9:00 A.M., recognize what that is saying!
What you say matters!
We are all on a journey of self-improvement that offers no final destination. Make sure those you encounter along the way are better off for having met you. Enjoy the trip!
May the force be with you!
John V. Farrar Ed.D., LPC
Anita M. Farrar Ed.S., LPC