Love on the Rocks? On an Iceberg?
On April 15, 1912, Titanic hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic before sinking. In the box office movie blockbuster of the same name, the story of Jack and Rose became nearly as famous as the real disaster that spawned their fictional romance. Turning bluish-purple in the icy Atlantic, Jack (Leonardo DeCaprio) clings lovingly to Rose’s (Kate Winslett) side, even as he realizes that his life expectancy is shorter than the runny yolk in an egg cooker. Jack’s devotion to her is tearfully inspiring. What romance! What love! What emotional drivel!
In 1988, Robert Sternberg developed the Triadic Model of Love. Over the years, his model could be used by therapists and educators as a template to help clients and students gain a greater understanding of a topic that is, in this author’s opinion, woefully ignored as a useful instructional issue.
Sternberg’s model is simple yet thorough. Using the image of a triangle, Sternberg observes that there are three sides to a love relationship: passion (sexual attraction), intimacy (friendship and liking), and commitment (serious, lasting relationship). Sternberg states that a total (consummate) love relationship reflects a balanced combination of all three elements. Less complete relationships may have only one or two of the three listed components. For example, in Sternberg’s theory, a relationship that is characterized by passion and intimacy, but lacking commitment, is referred to as romantic love.
Back to Titanic. How long did jack and Rose know each other? Two days? Three days? Yet, the emotional message of the film is that the defining love relationship of Rose’s life (She is 100 years old in the flashback-told tale.) was one of some 70 hours of duration.
Over the years and spanning cultures, it is interesting to note how these three elements of passion, intimacy, and commitment have presented themselves in a given enduring relationship or marriage. In many traditional cultures and societies, for example, the phenomenon of arranged marriages has both a past and a present. If we analyze those unions in terms of Sternberg’s three variables, we would note that commitment came first, with passion coming next on a wedding night, followed by a lifetime of developing intimacy through the years of their marriage.
Prior to the advent of the sexual revolution, most American couples began their courtship with intimacy (liking), fueled generally with feelings of attraction. Often consummating the love relationship occurred after the wedding commitment (sometimes before!). The love sequence for those couples could be listed, usually, as intimacy-commitment-passion. (In those periods of history, passion did not automatically assume sexual activity.) In the 21st century, often relationships begin with a sexual experience. Intimacy (liking) may evolve later as they explore common interests and experience. Commitment comes last, or not at all, as the number of live-in relationships has increased in number.
What do my readers think is the appropriate sequence of Sternberg’s three variables in a love relationship? Do our changing values with love relationships correlate with our sad divorce rate? How balanced is your love triangle?