I recently was counseling a man who expressed regret and shame over his divorce of some years ago. He described in detail his actions that led to the demise of his marriage. He also listed behaviors (including infidelity) of his ex-wife during the marriage but had difficulty looking beyond his own errors as the session unfolded. He reflected, “Why did I let my marriage fail?
My client’s issue, but perhaps more importantly, his mode of expression were significant. I was reminded of a concept that I covered in my book “Dump the Neanderthal: Choose your Prime Mate” in the chapter dealing with low self esteem. In that chapter, we explained the concept of innies and outies. These unlikely terms flow from my analogy with belly buttons. We do not need an obstetrician to tell us that there are two types: innies and outies. In this fractured analogy, innies are described to be individuals who account for their life problems, issues, and solutions as coming from within them. Innies assume responsibility and, at times, blame for their situational outcomes. They look inward, often with self-recrimination and regret. Conversely, outies focus on external circumstances to account for their problems. Outies blame while innies assume blame. Even when outies acknowledge their indiscretions, they often suggest that their conduct was a reaction to their partner’s earlier misdeed. Again, outies point the finger of responsibility outward while innies do the reverse.
The goal of counseling is not to assign or distribute blame. Rather, it is a assist clients in moving forward past previous disappointments and poor choices. Looking back on my divorced client, I attempted to buoy him somewhat by explaining that, as a counselor, we strongly prefer working with innies rather than outies. In assuming responsibility for their negative situations, innies also can come to understand that they also possess the ability to make changes in their lives. Outies, with their tendency to look outward, also see themselves as victims whose lives can only improve through the actions of others.
I often advise clients that life is all about going against our tendencies. It is easy to know what we should be doing about our bad tendencies. For example, I know that McDonald’s French fries aren’t exactly “health food.” I may have trouble resisting them but knowing what I should do about them is clear. Good tendencies, on the other hand, are more difficult to amend because they generally serve us well.
In pursuit of what is at times referred to as the “golden mean” we are all advised to move against our seemingly natural (and often positive) inclinations. Introverts are encouraged to be more outgoing in social situations, while extroverts may be advised to consider their words and their effect on others before speaking. Big spenders may need to cut up a few credit cards while thrifty individuals are advised to place their money somewhere other than in their mattress.
My innie client, therefore, must resist the temptation to beat himself up over his past mistakes. He should learn from them, certainly, but not be paralyzed by them. More than anything, he needs to come to understand both sides of his divorce and move on with an objective recognition of all factors in that sad situation.
Conclusion:
Innies need to retain their responsible view of life but avoid the debilitating inclination to regret and self-deprecation.
Outies must avoid the tendency to blame others for their painful situations and, instead, consider steps they can take to improve their lives.
Now, what does your belly button look like?