In last week’s newsletter, we discussed some issues surrounding divorce. “Poor preparation” was cited as the reason for divorce when unplanned pregnancy, teen marriage, and blatant abuse are not present.
In working with clients on relationship matters, I share a list of twelve factors to consider in evaluating the prospects for what appears to be a potentially promising new person in their lives. The assumption is that similar interests, values, and goals increase the likelihood for marital success.
Two objections sometimes arise from this counseling strategy. The first is the belief that “opposites attract.” That may or may not be so, but the reality of successful mating is that “similars” stay together. The other challenge to my counseling method is the lament, “You can’t analyze or evaluate matters of the heart.” I personally suspect that this myth was promoted by the divorce attorneys of America. In future newsletters, I will share some useful research into the psychology of love. And yes, it is possible to study and rationally apply factors that contribute to a successful love relationship.
These are the twelve factors I share with my students and clients to examine before entering into a committed relationship:
1. Religion – is it important to you – to your partner? Are there shared or separate beliefs?
2. Politics – As with religion, harmony flows from similarity. Most of us know to avoid religion and politics in polite conversation as the potential for offending is great. Multiply that caution by ten in a relationship.
3. Children – is there an agreement to have them? Are there similar views regarding an approach to discipline? (If step-children are involved, this factor is even more important.)
4. Education – are the two partners coming from similar educational backgrounds? Levels of education? Once again, similar levels of education are positive predictors of success.
5. Finances – a spendthrift with a frugal mate will likely to lead to friction. Two spendthrifts might be an even bigger disaster, but basic agreement about managing debt and credit cards are positives.
6. Family/ In-laws – This probably isn’t anyone’s most important factor but should be considered. Do you get along with your future in-laws? Do you like them? How do they feel about you? How attached is your spouse to his/her family?
7. Fitness and eating habits – A vegan with a partner who fries everything from steak to ice cream will have trouble sitting at the same dining table. A couch potato and a mate who lives on a treadmill won’t have much “together time” either.
8. Substance use – alcohol, tobacco, other recreational drugs. While agreeing on a pattern of heavy drinking or drug use is an obvious recipe for tragedy, disagreement about even moderate consumption poses a challenge for a future partnership.
9. Adrenalin-seeking vs. adrenalin- aversive – Some of us love roller coasters, blackjack tables, and working on commission. Others like a merry-go-rounds, jigsaw puzzles and a salary. Some people procrastinate because they work best under pressure while others hate the feeling of being “under the gun.” Which are you? Your partner?
10. Hobbies and recreation interests? Is she a sports fan while he prefers to read? What will they do to share free time?
11. Temperament – Is he a laidback introvert while she is an intense extravert? While subtle differences may actually provide balance for a couple, extreme differences may lead to some frustration for both partners.
12. Personal priorities – Some of these differences among the preceding 11 issues may be manageable. Others could be “deal breakers.” For example, if religion is the most important issue for both parties, but they do not share the same faith, it is hard to see a marriage working in that climate. Similarities in the other eleven topics may not matter for such a couple.
Homework: Each partner in a potential committed relationship should, separately, rank order the first 11 topics in order of importance. After arriving at their individual lists, the couple should come together for candid discussion.
Conclusion: Emotion and attraction are powerful commodities that draw us to another person. But the “glue” in relationships is similar interests, values, and priorities. Our hearts get us into romantic relationships, but our heads enable us to sustain them.