A CRITICAL DISTANCE
“Responsible Individuals live their lives in the space between necessity and preference”
What does this statement mean to you? This phrase occurred to me as I was working with a client recently. He was explaining a problem related to his employment. He acknowledged that he was well paid, enjoyed what he did, and valued his association with his co-workers. His only complaint had to do with his boss. He lamented, “My life would be great if it weren’t for my jerk of a boss.” He then narrated how he had to grit his teeth each day as he walked into his office building, dreading his next annoying interaction with the frustrating supervisor.
As my client described his unhappiness, it occurred to me that my client, along with myriad others, come into session with similar complaints and irritations. If it isn’t the boss, it might be a spouse or teenaged daughter, or even a neighbor. The common profile is that of individuals who seems reasonably happy but vexed with a single, albeit significant, aspect of their lives.
A facile remark inspired by such clients might be, “Nothing is perfect.” True enough, but that thought doesn’t offer much solace to clients who present with such evident angst. My approach with them addresses the same idea from a slightly different direction. My input invites clients to see their vexing situation in another way, through the concept expressed in the opening line of this newsletter.
Some of our decisions are easy ones; they are made out of necessity. A man eighteen months from retirement may have no choice but to remain in an unfulfilling career while crossing dates off a literal or metaphorical calendar. A woman who provides for an aging parent or handicapped child has no intention of avoiding her caregiving obligation. In both cases, necessity dictates their behavior.
As the opening line of this newsletter suggests, responsible people come to understand that, most of the time, we are neither bound by necessity nor do we have the luxury of expecting that life responds according to our preferences. We generally operate between actions we must take and situations we would optimally prefer. The answer is to come to the understanding that, in most situations, we have options; we have choices. The disgruntled office worker mentioned in the opening paragraph can choose to look for another job or accept that, in most ways, he is in a good situation. Investing energy in how to tolerate or avoid his supervisor is probably a better idea than complaining about him/her. Learning parenting skills or seeking a marriage counselor addresses a solution rather than simply rehearsing a problem by repeating one’s grievances about our children or our partner.
As the snowman insists, we can change our lives by changing our thoughts. The opening line of this newsletter implies that there are always multiple options for dealing with any life circumstance that lies between necessity and preference.
Appreciate the luxury that options and choices afford us.
Think about it.