It’s Not Your Fault
Over the years, one of my clinical functions has been to conduct court-mandated substance abuse evaluations for those convicted of a drug or alcohol-related offense. These may involve “drinking and driving” offenses, drug possession charges or domestic violence convictions that include intoxication as a facet of the case.
I recently conducted an evaluation on an individual who had been involved in a physical altercation with his wife, after which he angrily drove away, leading to an additional charge of operating a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol. Breathalyzer tests revealed his high level of intoxication at the time of his arrest. When questioned about his conduct on the evening of his arrest, this respondent defensively lamented, “This is all about money. That’s all the court cares about. My friends (whom he also acknowledged had been arrested on substance-related charges) all agree with me.”
Sadly, I have heard this type of narrative too many times. As is true with most rationalizations, there is a convenient element of truth to them. In reality, fines are always a part of any criminal citation, from speeding tickets to substance-related offenses. Courts support their activities, in part, with the fines they assess. But it is a convenient defense for any individuals to put the blame and, therefore, the focus on a court, an arresting officer, or anyone in an authority position for their own behavior. In that vein, it is always easier to blame a reluctant customer for not making a sale or a critical supervisor for a subpar evaluation than to consider our own lack of preparation or diligence for the negative outcome.
There is probably no “sweeter music” for any of us to hear than the soothing message, “It’s not your fault.” Putting the blame on others has become a virtual national pastime. Politicians base their campaigns around this strategy. Parents, concerned lest they bruise the self-esteem of their young charges, are too often reluctant to confront a child or adolescent with the fact that their low grades, or being cut from an athletic team, was due to their lack of effort or talent. Once again, the message, “It’s not your fault. It was the school’s, teacher’s or coach’s fault.” In that vein, helping a child find a different sport or activity is a better, and more optimistic, message than blaming the coach who made the roster cut.
Sometimes, the kindest message is a harsh or challenging one. This includes messages that we send to ourselves. Insightful individuals possess the ability to examine their own behavior and honestly reflect upon it.
Assignment: The next time you experience a painful or disappointing outcome, resist the temptation to indulge in the psychological salve, “It’s not my fault.” Don’t resort to self-flagellating guilt, but simply pose to yourself this simple set of questions:
1. What part did I play in this negative situation?
2. What could I have done instead?
3. How can I handle a similar situation differently in the future?
In addition to the above, remind yourself that time invested in changing or fixing a negative situation is a much more useful activity than trying to assign blame for the undesirable outcome.