Marriage is never 50/50; it requires both partners to give 100%
In our last newsletter, we addressed what shouldn’t be in your metaphorical toolbox. Hopefully, taking our personal inventory has led us to the knowledge that we tend to be critical more often (and with stronger ways) than we should. Making corrections and pointing out flaws generally doesn’t accomplish the desired goal. Thank you, Dr. Gottman. Consider my personal “toolbox” to be properly oiled with soothing ointments while abrasive and ineffective instruments have been discarded.
But what should be in my relationship toolbox of effective and restorative techniques? To search for that answer, let’s turn to another professional for some guidance: Dr. Gary Chapman. In his bestselling book about close relationships of all kinds, Love Languages, Chapman suggests that we reflect all forms of love (intimate, family, or friendship) in one of five ways, or “languages:”
Gifts
Service
Affirmations
Physical touch
Undivided attention
Many of my readers are probably already familiar with Chapman’s work and those five listed concepts. Chapman’s counsel tells us that a skillful “lover” speaks the “language” of his/her listener. We should “speak” the preference of our loved one, rather than our own. For example, while the speaker may love shopping, it doesn’t automatically follow that the “listener” values “gifts.” In that same vein, while the lover may write a carefully worded note of thanks and appreciation, the “listener” might really value a quiet dinner together or a back rub.
Let’s return to the metaphor of the “toolbox” and examine our own collection of methods and approaches that it contains. No skilled carpenter or mechanic arrives at the job site, armed only with a screwdriver or hammer. In Chapman’s parlance, no effective “lovers” use the same tool (or language) with any object of their affections, be it romantic, familial or platonic.
Our relationship success depends upon our “speaking” the most effective language (tool) at that moment. A talented musician plays the tunes that will likely entertain his listeners. No “rap” music for seniors, while adolescent girls probably love the catchy offerings of Taylor Swift. Does a considerate spouse provide a gift certificate to his wife’s favorite spa or a sweetly composed love note? A great lover speaks the language of the object of his/her affections.
Homework: Re-examine the contents of your toolbox. Is it well stocked? Does it need any additions? Are some tools being neglected that, upon more careful deliberation, may be successfully re-employed with (and for) the individuals in our life that we love?
A perfect marriage is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.