“A good marriage is when each partner suspects he/she got the better deal.”
One of the more commonly accepted statistics about marriage success is “50 / 50”. In other words, we hear that half of all American marriages end up with divorce attorneys presiding over our marital “funeral.” If we include some numbers about how many committed relationships ((moving in together) lead to one party contacting the moving company eventually, it likely increases that “relationship failure” stat from 1 in 2 up to 2 out of three. Translation: a significant percentage of such relationships fail.
Since we are talking about numbers in today’s newsletter, let’s compare AMERICA’S marital “batting average” to another commonly quoted stat: the unemployment rate. Frequently, the daily news will report what percentage of Americans who are job-seeking and work-eligible are, in fact, unemployed. These days, the number hovers around 7%. In other words, 93% percent of Americans are successful in being employed. To extrapolate those numbers (comparing relationship failure of 2 out of three (66%) to employment failure (7%), it suggests that we are roughly 10 times more successful at finding and keeping a job than we are in finding and retaining a mate.
Keep in mind that, in America, we choose our mates! There is virtually no such thing as an arranged marriage in our country. Most of us would not sign up to have our parents pick our spouse. We value our freedom of choice when it comes to matters of the heart. Given that fact, why are we so bad at this most important relationship in our adult life? Other cultures, with arranged marriages, seem to have a better success rate than we do. What’s the issue here?
The answer goes back to my metaphor of the “Snowman.” The snowman tells us that everything in our life flows from certain ideas that we hold. Apparently, some of those beliefs don’t appear to work for us very well. Like what, for example? Try this one on for size:
Because I love someone, it should be easy to get along with them.
I would humbly suggest that such a belief is ridiculous. Love involves sex, families, raising kids, money matters, cultural differences, and the like. Who ever told us that a committed relationship would be easy? Most readers at this point are nodding and thinking, “I know. I know. Life (or marriage) isn’t easy.”
But it is important to acknowledge that everything good in our life came to us with difficulty. We had to work at it, be it a job, a skill, or a relationship. We are proud of past accomplishments, based directly upon their degree of difficulty in achieving them.
So, in summary, is marriage (committed relationship) difficult or worthwhile? I think that most of us would agree that it is both. It is worth the effort, along with raising a child, acquiring a skill as a craftsman or musician, or functioning in the challenging environment of a committed relationship. If you can’t wrap your head around that concept, you probably need a divorce attorney.
“OK, I get it,” acknowledges my reader. “But where does the toolbox from your title come in?” That’s easy. I believe that we all have a “relationship toolbox” that contains our inventory of strategies, techniques or statements. Over the years, the toolbox has accumulated everything that we’ve learned about our partner. Pride, stubbornness, or ego may keep us from turning to it, but it’s been silently collecting resources during the tenure of our partnership.
Instead of complaining or lamenting about what is broken, open the box’s lid and employ the resource that mends the fracture in our love life. Experience has already taught you what works with your mate. The next newsletter will suggest using the unused tools in your box. We will select the right tool and fix what is broken.
“Never laugh at your spouse’s choices; you are one of them.”