Last week my wife, Anita, and I had the opportunity to be interviewed on the Big Rapids radio station (Sunny 97.3.) Lynn Schieble’s request for us to join her and Steve Masters was triggered by her awareness that the month of January is notable for a most unenviable distinction of recording the highest rate of divorce filings. In America, the divorce rate now stands at 50%.
January is the most common month for initiating marriage dissolution for fairly obvious reasons. It is a “post holiday” decision. But the more important issue is what leads to this undesirable and painful outcome. I believe that there are three categories or types of explanations for this personal, painful disappointment. First, divorce inevitably follows a very poor choice of partner. I’m referring to behaviors that are virtually impossible to tolerate in a healthy relationship such as physical abuse or unaddressed addiction (alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling). Some spouses may endure such situations, but the union cannot function well under such circumstances. The second reason, in my view, involves immaturity or liability. This includes teen marriage and unplanned pregnancy. While some young couples may survive such situational disadvantages, it is not surprising that the statistics for such couplings are not good.
Once we see beyond abuse and immaturity, the issues become more subtle. The data points to financial matters, poor communication, and infidelity as central reasons cited by those going through divorce. These elements clearly are present, but I’d suggest another concept that perhaps includes or encompasses those factors: poor preparation.
After losing the national college championship football game a week ago in embarrassing fashion, the losing coach for LSU (Les Miles) ruefully conceded “I thought we were prepared (for the game), but obviously we weren’t.” The same could probably be said by most divorcees as they look back on their emotional and mental state before they walked down the aisle. Some churches expect the bride and groom to take a pre-nuptial class before proceeding to the ceremony, and that certainly is an appropriate attempt at “divorce prevention.” But I’d suggest that there is another area of marital preparation: self understanding.
While exploring common interests and other areas of compatibility are necessary, having a sound understanding of who we are and what our beliefs are is even more essential. Are we seeking marriage based upon a realistic understanding of what is involved? Are we marrying based upon “a ticking clock” or due to infatuation? My book, Dump the Neanderthal; Find Your Prime Mate, explores this topic, at least as it relates to women and their basis for partner selection. The value of introspection for men is no less important.
As reflected in prior writings, an intelligent and thoughtful choice of a partner provides an opportunity for marital success; not a guarantee. But poor preparation, in virtually any area of human endeavor, is a likely precursor to failure. Regrettably, while most personal time and energy is invested in trying to find the right mate (looking out), a wiser and more productive pursuit might be in becoming the best partner (looking inward). An important part of that self understanding may be in examining potential criteria for self (and partner) understanding. In next week’s newsletter, we will list and explain ten areas to consider to avoid divorce or to move forward after going through one.
The ancient Greek aphorism exhorts us to “Know thyself.” It is a fundamental task of life. How are you doing with this piece of personal homework?