Just remember, when you ignore your significant other (silent treatment), you are teaching them to live without you.
Lighting the Fuse……And Dousing It
A few newsletters ago, we spoke of “Joe the Doorman.” In that article, we discussed the relative ease of getting along with casual acquaintances, as opposed to the challenges we face in relating to the really important people in our lives. We pointed out that our main relationships offer the greatest challenges. Addressing the issues of money, sex, children, and careers make navigating through the complex currents of our lives with our spouses demanding and difficult, just as they are meaningful and rewarding.
Still, there should be some useful steps or strategies that we can employ with our “significant others” that will help us in our daily lives with them. So let’s briefly consider a recent argument, blow-up, or otherwise contentious situation that we have experienced with our significant other. Often, a pleasant day or evening becomes sidetracked by a minor comment, critical remark, or challenging tone of voice or facial expression. This initial detour away from decorum can be labeled: Lighting the fuse
In previous newsletters, I’ve pointed out that most communication is predictable. In other words, all of us have the ability to predict the outcome of a given statement or message. For example, a remark like, “What’s wrong with you?” or an eye-rolling expression of exasperation rarely generates a smile or “thank you.” Such remarks typically produce an equally negative comment or, perhaps a single digit hand gesture. Again, such a response is usually predictable. Therefore, if we don’t want sarcasm or manual insults, we shouldn’t “light the fuse” with the first negative statement or hostile gesture or tone.
At this point, many readers may defensively assert, “Well, I am not the one who lights the fuse. He (or she) does.” While that may be true, it does not absolve the other party of any responsibility for a ruined evening or destroyed vacation. We are, in fact, responsible for a spoiled event when we throw “gas on the fire” rather than douse the flames. Quibbling about who started a conflict is counterproductive. Two toddler siblings may point at each other when a parent tries to break up a squabble. While each child may accuse, “S/he started it,” as adults, we should be capable of better conflict resolution strategies than a pair of toddlers
In summary, let’s dispense with faultfinding and move toward “flame dousing.” As mentioned earlier, we generally can predict the outcome of our words and actions. If criticism, sarcasm, and eye-rolling predictably only throw “gas on the fire,” we can also deduce what will work to put out the fire. If a gentle touch, or a hug, or a sincere smile while making full eye contact works, why not employ it?
And who will be the winner? Certainly, both of you!
There is a weird power in a spoken word…
A word carries far – very far-
Deals destruction through time as the bullets
Go flying through space.
Speak kindly. -Joseph Conrad