I once had the opportunity to hear the former Detroit Tigers beloved broadcaster, Ernie Harwell, speak. I believe he was loved largely because of his overall good nature and affability. During his talk, he made the non-baseball observation that one of his goals in life was “to try to avoid ever saying anything bad about anybody: ballplayers or whomever.” Harwell went on to acknowledge that, like all the rest of us, this was a personal goal that he had not completely mastered, but he nevertheless continued to strive to attain that behavioral goal.
During the viewing of the movie “Doubt” a scene showed the parish priest delivering a sermon where explained that a woman had come to confession, asking if speaking unkindly with others about someone else was a sin. The priest decreed that such conduct was a sin and assigned penance to the parishioner. He instructed her to go to the roof of her apartment building with a pillow, cut it open, and shake all the feathers out. The priest then instructed the penitent to report back to him the following week. The woman did as instructed and explained to the priest that she had completed the task. The priest then directed “Now go into your neighborhood and collect all those feathers.” The woman, taken aback by such a task, lamented “Father, that’s impossible. The feathers are everywhere and I don’t know I could possibly gather them all.” “Exactly”, the priest agreed, adding “and that is what gossip is!”
Eric Berne, the creator of the theory of Transactional Analysis, suggests that there are six ways in which individuals communicate. These forms of communication range from the most basic (“good morning” or “hello”) which he calls “rituals” to the most meaningful, sincere messages (“I really need your help.” or “I love you.”). He labels these honest and important communications “intimacy.” Berne tells us that there is a time and place for all forms and levels of communication, except one. The singular type of communication which is dishonest and manipulative he referred to as a “Game.” Games are forms of discourse that ultimately aim at creating some personal advantage at the expense of someone else. Games run the gamut from small putdowns of a neighbor or co-worker to the malicious sharing of information (truthful or not) with the singular goal of embarrassing or destroying another person’s reputation or status in some way. As we consider Berne’s concept of a “game,” we see that gossip fits perfectly into that communication category.
In my years as both a professional and just an individual living in the world, I have come to acknowledge three things about gossip.
• First, gossip is ubiquitous; it is everywhere.
• Second, it is seductive. It is tempting. Sadly, one of the easiest ways of fitting in with a given group is to engage in a conversational “game” about someone else. Ironically, often individuals who do not engage in this behavior become less popular in some social circles. They may no longer fit in.
• Third, it is harmful. Whether the harm is intended or inadvertent makes no difference. It causes pain and does damage in either case.
Even kindly Ernie Harwell acknowledged that he was still “a work in progress” as it related to gossip avoidance. Still, I find myself agreeing with the departed baseball commentator icon that it should be a goal for all of us.
In the midst of belittling others, gossipers diminish themselves.