Oh, what tangled webs we weave,
When first we practice to deceive.
-Sir Walter Scott
On the surface, the answer to the above question seems obvious. It must be dishonesty. And yet, more often than not, the other end of the continuum that has honesty on one side has a lack of openness or candor at the other. While some individuals may be reluctant to express a pure falsehood, to be blatantly untruthful, evasive responses and questioning the question (i. e., Why do you ask?) are common gambits to avoid honesty and clarity.
As a counselor and addictionologist, I am very familiar with the respected support group, Alcoholics Anonymous. While most of us think of AA in terms of abstinence and sobriety from alcohol, its hallmark characteristic is less well known. The core principle in AA is honesty. Its cornerstone tenets involve taking a “fearless moral inventory of our past wrongs” as well as an open commitment to “make amends” to those who have been wronged. As a recovering client of mine once observed, “If the readers of the 12-Steps chooses to disregard the First Step because they don’t have an alcohol problem, they can live by the other 11, and they will be honorable, truthful and ethical people.”
As a review of the steps reveals, honesty is the essence of their message. Those who have the opportunity to know individuals who follow these 12 principles generally find them to be happy and balanced friends, relatives, or colleagues. So what holds the rest of us back from adhering to them?
Nothing should. Those who follow a pattern of honesty and openness seem happier than those who do not. The biblical intonation, “The truth shall set you free.” is oft expressed, but perhaps open to many interpretations. Frankly, it never meant much to me until I started writing on today’s topic. What it informs me now has to do with speaking the truth rather than hearing or learning the truth. Being honest and truthful makes things easy: no worrying about contradicting oneself later. No need to fear being discovered for a falsehood or a lack of candor. No basis for personal guilt or shame. Honesty provides a most comfortable life.
So what’s the catch? What keeps more of us from turning to this seemingly easier and happier pattern of behavior? As is true with most dysfunctional conduct, the answer is fear. So honesty and the avoidance of evasion require a commitment to courage: to acting in the face of fear.
It is interesting to note that the value of confession (an honest admission) is acknowledged as therapeutic and beneficial. Christian faiths see admitting wrongs and doing penance as cleansing. The Hebrew religion’s “Day of Atonement” provides similar relief for its adherents. Even police detectives hounding a potential perpetrator understand that the non-psychopathic criminals (Psychopaths lack the “inner voice” of conscience.) have an internal need to purge themselves, even as it works against their selfish benefit and probable loss of freedom. So the internal urge to honesty is present even as we fear its consequences.
What will you feel relieved about sharing with another? What have you withheld?
Homework: Summon your courage. Take a fearless inventory. To whom do you owe honesty? Next, consider how to make amends to those with whom you have withheld truthfulness. Follow through with your amends as long as it does not bring harm to anyone.
Reward: a profound feeling of peace and ease.
Try it! You’ll like it!